...so i touched it.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
