Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
