1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
