I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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