Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.