I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
