mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
