Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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