Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
