I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
