The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
