the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
