I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
