i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
