We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
