Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
