My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
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Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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