Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
