Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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