Need sex. Gaining weight.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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