i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
