Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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