Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
