I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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