She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
