she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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