dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
