the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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