hotel room ftw
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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