i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
