So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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