can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
