Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
