I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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