we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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