Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
