What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
