I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
