After last night, I could never be a politician.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
