What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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