hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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