I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
