There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
