just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
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she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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