Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
