ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
