I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
