My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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