My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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