The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
