Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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