i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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