i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
