Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
