peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Randomize
