that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
