we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
