Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
