he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
