You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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