i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
