I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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